The Non-motivational speech

You have come to this conference expecting me 

to give an engaging, confident, speech 

And say things like you should “be the best you,” 

and “love every day as if it's your last.” 

You likely expect me to be engaging 

and use storytelling techniques and pseudo-authenticity 

to teach you things like

time management, leadership, and empathy.

I can’t because I have not learned these skills, 

but I do have some knowledge to pass along.  

Take it for what you will:

1. If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
2. We’ve been taught to treat others the way we wanted to be treated. But I have learned that people don't want their shoulders massaged while in line at the grocery store.
3. If your wife asks “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
4. Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe
5. Walking up behind someone in the produce aisle with celery in your hand and saying "I'm stalking you" is much funnier in your head.
6. Using an invisible hula hoop freaks people out.
7. Remember that it is wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
8. No matter how hard you try, there is no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you're blowing up a rubber glove.
9. Saying "Look at you! You got so big!" is great for kids; for some reason adults get offended.
10. Lifting your feet so your wife can reach underneath, is NOT considered "helping her vacuum,"
11. You don't have to be a waiter in order to go to a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, "How's everything tasting".
12. And lastly,  and I cannot emphasize this one enough the complimentary lemonade at the doctor's office..does not taste like LEMONS!