indeterminate mind

I have been feeling down. I felt unappreciated and lonely. I feel disconnected from many whom I love.  The feeling has grown a little each day since the pandemic began.  Much of what I am experiencing is created by a righteous desire to have the company of good people but corrupted by the jealous loneliness that selfish desires manifest.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of selfishness when everything we do needs someone to tell us we are doing a good job.  Once in that trap, it is easy to spiral into discouragement.  Don’t let it happen.  It is good to be appreciated, but that should never be our motivation.    Last night I expressed my feelings to my wife and felt better afterward.   Today, I  was shown several instances where I was appreciated and thought about.   A friend needed someone to talk to.  A church leader reached out to let me know my contributions were important.  And a neighbor asked if I would give a blessing to her dying father.   She felt he was hanging on because he

If you remove compassion from what would otherwise be righteousness, you begin to flirt with wickedness.

  Murdoch lay flat, struggling to control his breathing.   He dared not close his eyes, but knew if he did not control his anxiety, his heart would continue to race, and he would struggle to keep his breathing soft and imperceptible.    Murdoch perched on a ledge about two or three feet above than the height of a man riding a horse and with the blue moon casting its shadows everywhere, his hiding place made him invisible.    Except, if Murdoch were not able to control his breathing, he was sure the Winston gang would figure out what happened to him.   His heart wouldn’t listen, it had its own angry song it wanted to pound rhythmically into Murdoch’s soul.   

I am not sure exactly why, but every time I smell a dryer vent, while the dryer is running, I think of my Grandma and Grandpa Read.   I think because their dryer vent was on the back of their house near where we played as kids.   Or maybe it was that you walked right by the laundry room as you entered their house.   Either way I love to smell a dryer vent because brings me back to those moments.   My Grandma and Grandpa Read lived on a farm.   Not really, but as a kid that’s what I believed.   They had about an acre of land that my Grandfather used as a garden.   I believe the garden, which was surrounded by a mixture of wooden and barbed wire fencing, once had horses but that was long before I was alive.   Their house was out in the country.   Only about a half-hour from our house in the suburbs it was in the unincorporated part of our county.   My Grandpa always had Ice Cream.   There were very few times that he did not have it, which I have tried valiantly to thrust from

Michael tried to enjoy the excitement storming around him as the parade float inched along the route. The gaudy float was decorated with white and blue paper ruffles, with accents of red ribbons carefully placed around the outer edge and more red ribbons cascading down from the large monolithic paper monument behind him. It was all very patriotic. Maybe he thought, there would have been a time and place I would appreciate this kind of attention. But Michael dreaded every moment. He knew his duty was to smile, and allow the revels to go on, and he was never known to shirk his duty. But any joy displayed lived on the outer surface only. There was nothing below his skin that didn’t shutter at the thought that he was still living, and Dave was not. Michael thought about one of his favorite jokes about Independence Day, a popular comedian commented that it was only on July the 4th that one could enjoy a Brat, a burger, and a steak before blowing things up because that’s what the founding f

The South won the war! You think that I am lying The South won the war, Is everyone crying? Wait a minute you say that not what I was taught The south won the war! Ok now you’re looney The south won the war Now pass the banana pudding. I can’t believe your saying this, you’re making me distrauught The south won the war! Im starting to believe you The south won the war I am thinking it’s all true If you keep repeating and repeating it must be a true plot

There I was, just standing there, when what I wanted to do was forbidden. I wanted to love my best friend but wondered how. They say that integrity is when you follow what you profess when no one is looking. I have spent my life in pursuit of this ideal. Now, I questioned everything. My faith, my love, my life, even my own heart. By embracing what I have always thought as evil, I may be throwing away everything. I asked myself, how did you feel about him before, does this change how you feel about him now? The answer was a resounding, no! It took less than a second for my brain to wrap itself around a new ideal, and even less time for me to realize that everything and nothing changed in this instant. The instant when Mark told me, “I think I’m Gay.” It’s not like I was very surprised. People had been asking me if he was gay for years, behind his back of course. And even though I wondered myself, I would always say, “Mark is gay, when and if he says he’s gay.” As the days, weeks,

This woman who woke every morning Making sure we always were fed Going to school and working Making sure you had things to wear Heartache was often her partner And faith is what kept her strong Mom I am so very grateful, You raised me, you gave me my life When I am busy she calls me Sometimes I don’t want to talk Text go unanswered and email Go un read for way to long But I will be someday be broken When you’re not there to pick up the phone Mom I want you to know That I love you I love you, right now I wish that I had been better At being a and loving son I would take back many things I have spoken In anger, or just to make fun You always stand behind me To catch me whenever I fall Mom how can I repay you The debit is to high can’t be done. Someday, your fire will diminish And I’ll be left with only your love A day when no letter, or phone call Will remind me the love that you shared By always wanting to be there And strengthen me, help me to grow Mom Im sure gonna miss you You raised

Have you ever stopped to think what you are doing? How your comments and jokes don’t stand for love? Do you realize that your words can be dismissive? and come from contempt in embryo? Do you think that no one else is hurting? Or that the one you put down walks in pain? Do you realize the things we think have actions? Ripples of waves we do not know? I know, I know, I know its easy To make yourself feel better for a while. But those words you use, will come back to you Because one day that one you say you love will not be there to hear when instead of what you said you wish it was I Love You

Every day the same four walls I barely put on pants I put on my sweaty socks and when I’m done I just stand up and move to the couch Another day the same four walls I should really put on pants And wear some other socks Now I should start anew And step outside the couch But here I am same four walls My pants so nicely pressed I now hurrah I have clean socks But here sit Day after day upon this lowly couch This couch is really comfortable.

I flip through this book of memories the images commence to gleam I see the world of yesterdays combine like a bouquet And now I move from thought to thought A remembrance juggernaut Then outside a clash, a noise My trance it thus destroys So, I begin again my wonderful dream This scrap book makes me beam

John left through the front door. The streets were empty, even more than usual. There was an odd feeling the permeated everything. The 1983 Ford, Bronco roared to life as he turned the key. John hadn’t driven the bronco since the camping trip last summer. As the fan blow dust in his face, john realized that he should have at least turned the engine over a few times. He was glad that the battery had charge and the tires seemed ok. The bronco was the only vehicle he owned that could fulfill the job he was asked. John almost wished he hadn’t answered the phone when Jerry called an hour before. Bu the isolation was starting to get to him, and John was yearning for any human contact. “Sometimes,” John thought to himself. “It’s best to leave things alone. You gotta be careful what you wish for.” John checked his mirror and back out of the driveway realizing nothing would be behind him. He hadn’t even looked at any of his neighbors in the last two weeks. Not since the mandatory quara

Murdoch eyed his opponent. The game had settled on this one hand. Murdoch could see the chips in front of him and quickly calculated that he had only this shot to turn the corner. He kept his composure as he eyed the three of hearts and three of spades in his hand. But is was not his own hand that was important to him, it was Carrigan’s. Michael Carrigan was not one of those gamblers that roamed from town to town trying to set up a game and then move on. He owned the largest ranch in the area, he owned the bank, and loaned much of the money to the business in the small little town of Milton Creek. He donated the land for the town church hall, and many of his men were diverted from their normal ranch duties to build it. He was known to be quick to a laugh and quick to anger. He was generous and greedy all at the same time. But his biggest weakness was the tables. “Martha will only let me come to town with 100 dollars,” he would say before start

“I can’t believe you actually want that god-forsaken chunk of land.” Carrigan said as he checked over the title documents and handed them to his bank clerk. “Well, I’m not afraid of work. Just lookin’ to put down some roots.” Murdoch replied. The previous two weeks since the poker game had been eventful. Murdoch cashed in his winnings from Carrigan, asking the old man to hold back 10 dollars as a good faith money on the property. The day after the game, Murdoch rode out to the property with Carrigan to make sure the land and boundaries reflected correctly on the title. Then Murdoch rode to the Circle S to collect any back pay and tie up some loose ends. Boone was sad to see him go but understood the desire for Murdoch to improve his situation. Back in Milton Creek Carrigan and Murdoch locked heads again as they negotiated price for a few days landing on exactly Carrigan’s original asking price. They decided to meet a

Darkness was inking its way across the horizon, and Jim pulled the remaining herd into the Circle J. These were the strays that drifted their way up the side of the mountain looking for greener patches of grass. Jim understood the desire to break away from the herd and manage on his own. He could empathize with the fight most of these animals displayed when he rounded them up. And he almost mourned their loss of freedom as he returned them to the main herd. Jim spent most of his life alone. Even as a youngster, he knew little of his father who had joined the confederate army, shortly afterward his mother had come down with an unknown illness that kept her in bed, Jim didn’t like the little bottle of opium she kept on her bed table. He always blamed that bottle for his mother’s illness. Jim had to work wherever he could to keep up the house and take care of his mother. In about a two week span it all changed as his mother received wor

Tommy kept walking, trying not to let his limp show. It made his leg hurt even more, but it was important not to stand out. Not in this neighborhood, and not on a day when Bart was coming home. Bart was Tommy’s older brother. Bart was known for his physical prowess, he played almost every game better than anyone else. If there was a ball involved Bart could dominate any competitor. After joining the military and serving in the pacific theater Bart had become the neighborhood hero. A fact Tommy was all to aware of. Tommy had contracted polio as a child and was left limping for the rest of his life. Tommy didn’t like feeling less than others so he continuously worked at hiding his limp. But when the military health assessment came, he and his limp were kept him out of joining the fight. Tommy was only a year and two months younger than Bart. Growing up many people would mistake the two brothers for twins. They wear nearly identical.

Wave of heartache strip away to freedom as I soar. Escape has come from the doldrums The problems of a grounded soul The world looks new and old The possibilities seem endless The pain and fear of a life on earth And boundaries fall aside I am here at my desk, but my mind has flown away. As I enter into another world my pen becomes my vessel That picks me up and liberates me and story oversees The truth I have inside of me That arrives on eagles’ wings

McDonald’s is the cross point of society. Walk into any McDonald’s anywhere and the races, and classes combine. It is the great equalizer. While enjoying a hamburger filled with unpretentiousness you can here the heartbeat of America.

We are they you never pick, We are often on the side We are like the that lump of grass That looks so different from the rest But we don’t care about your sports or for your nice new pants and hats We don’t like the rules you craft to make us what you want to see So we will play and laugh and sob without the care of prying eyes you may wonder what you hear as we create and laugh and sing But we are not the same as you we do not discriminate for even if you do not do or play the games we play you are welcome over here so if you get tired of being what someone else thinks of you then come hang out and learn That you are you and I am I and we are who we want to be And we are all the same and not And that is always been the way

The Shadows on the Walls are speaking to you, what are they saying. You know what’s right and what is wrong, so use it as a sword, go attack those who do not know Now strike them to the floor You know what reallyis the truth so find a fight to win You can use your words you know you can destroy the sin You are the weirder of the axe that teaches infidels Axe you have is one we gave you and with it make the kill Oh wait, the light is shining forth don’t look at it you’ll see that the sword of truth can sometimes point instead of thrust or parry And the warmth of compassion floods the land don’t look at it my son on earth and in the heavens for it will bring in everyone It will show you what you know but much more you don’t and it will make you think and love That there is more to be wrote The shadows are the way my boy stay in them and you will grow just like the mold and mildew does you just don’t need to know About all of the light and love about the helpful hand about the wonder of t

Whose the greatest Superhero, Captain America or Iron Man? Which is better, Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, I want to make a stand? Who would win in a fight, Batman or Wolverine? And who would and could destroy the world Thanos or Palpatine? Will you spend the time with me to find out who or why? Will you share and talk about those who sometimes fly? Cap, or Tony Stark, whichever you want my dear. I like both Harry and the Hobbits, come sit right over here. I think the Bat could win if he could distract the raging beast. And Infinity stones or the force they seem the same to me. But I enjoy these story’s that you love, but I enjoy them more with you And I love to talk about my Superman, who just so you know, is you.

Is this the love I sought for? Is this the love I chose? Is this the love I thought I’d reach when I would write my prose It’s not exactly what I thought It isn’t always fun. It has the added strength of work and struggle under sun It doesn’t have as much of lust or sparks of merriment It sometimes has the twinge of pain whoever we are sent But this is not a poem of hate or of unrequited love Or love that did not last the night because of the road was rough It’s a poem that understands that when you have a love so dear there comes with it lots of fun and laughter every year But the greatest loves have more than that They are often filled with more More of everything we find that life has in store So do not run from the love you have when life comes to the door open up and let it in It’ll be far better than before.

Let me tell you “Why Bother.” Because I don’t think any one can live well without caring about something, or someone. Why Bother? Because its the only reason to get out of bed every morning. Why Bother? Because if not my eggs won’t be done right. Why Bother? Because every life is filled with tragedy. It is only in the “bother” that we struggle for the good. Why Bother? Because no one should where neon colors, with navy blue socks. Why Bother? Because rap music and that weird new age Jazz seems more popular than the Beatles. Why Bother? Because that lonely looking dog needs a home. Why Bother? Because Mr. Rogers was right. You and I Matter. Why Bother? Because the world will first crumple metaphorically, then spiritually and finally physically if we don’t. Why Bother? Because I still wake up every morning and live in a world full of hate, anger, love and beauty. Why Bother? Because believe in God or not, pancakes still exist.

The highway was long and noisy. The traffic moved at a crawl. Susan wondered if the state would ever create more lanes on this stretch between Smithfield and Beaumont. She knew she would resent the construction if they ever decided to expand the road, but would welcome the result. The long days in traffic didn’t make her stress worse but it didn’t help either. It had been a year since Danial passed. In that time she realized that she could be resilient and work hard, something she never cared for. Coming from a home where money was not an issue, she never realized how important it was to earn a dollar. She had married well, and Daniels helped her maintain the lifestyle she had grown up with. Bam!!! The Susan struggled to control the car to the side of the road. She knew that her tire was now a squishy flaccid mess. The motion of the steering wheel fought her efforts to maintain control. As she came to a stop she was by the blue River. She was nervous as a truck pulled up behind her an

The Buffalo Wings were squishy. That is not how Mama’s Wings were supposed to be. Mama’s Cafe made hot crispy wings that folks drove across country to consume in large quantities. Darren, wondered what had changed. He had heard the place was in danger of closing and the drop in quality was a likely reason. The kitchen was noisy as it always was, but with shouting and more banging than normal. Someone was fighting with someone on the phone. He didn’t recognize the voice and he had no idea what they were saying since the unknown voice was speaking Spanish. “Had Mama’s been purchased by a new owner?” Darren wondered. Then he wondered if the menu would change too. He had become fat off of the hometown cooking he was used to. He wasn’t sure if he would like having his favorite spot, which was another home, change. HE didn’t think he would be as excited for Huevos Rancheros and he would for the two huge Biscuits covered with gravel that he was used to. Then he thought, maybe thinking of hims

Riding up and over the bluff, Chet viewed the grazing bison. Herds of Buffalo were mostly extinct but, in the high plains of Colorado, there were still small herds scattered about. The wind that came whispering over the mountains had a crisp coolness signifying a cold front was coming. Chet could see clouds in the distant so he decided to find a place to sit for the night. The day had seemed like two, he could detect his own muscly odor and wondered if the rain may help with the smell. It had been weeks since he had seen civilization and he needed a bath. His mind was drawn back to Mary, her soft brunette hair reverberated in his thoughts. He had to get this job done as soon as possible so he could get back to her. Chet promised to buy the old Johnson place and then ask for Marys hand. Mary would have been fine if they lived with her parents for a time, but Chet would have none of it. This job would bring enough money to buy the property and a seed stock to get their life started prope

It was the seventh Grade. Aaron and Brandon were in Art class. Art class was unlike any other class. Not simply because students were forced to do Art instead of something mundane and asinine like math. but because it was sort of a free for all of tables and chairs that constantly changed. Sometimes it felt more like how one finds a seat in the lunch room. Looking first for your closest friends and then taking ever worsening options until some days you end up sitting alone. In Junior high school not sharing a lunch period with your friends relegated a Nerd to utter obscurity, even more so than usual. Brandon and Aaron, engined up spitting near Gerald, another student on the fringe of popular society. And for some reason Cody sat next to them as well. Cody was constantly talking about, his physical fighting prowess. He recently moved from another school and had story after story of fights, and rumbles and all out student civil wars. The school he came from was portrayed as a student jun

Aaron and Brandon are waiting for the others to arrive. It has been 10 years since they have all been together in the same room. Aaron and Brandon catch up, and talk about life and work. John arrives and not much changes, it seems as the silly friends have out grown their antics from childhood But as Scott arrives the jokes start flying the memories are shared and silliness ensues. THe boys visit the grave of the baseball they buried. They pay homage to baseball boy the boy with no clothes. They laugh and joke, and just as they are going to step away, Aaron stumbles. Brandon and John Catch him. And say something like, “oops, that’s why we are here.” And Aaron say’s “yeah but I was hoping I could make through this day at least without needing help” IT Aarons birthday, and Brandon, Scott, and John come bearing gifts. Aaron is being pushed in a wheelchair to the back of his former house where buddy is buried. Aaron tells his friends that they have been a mans best

There are people in your life that form who you are, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a mentor, or a teacher. Sometimes its is when we are challenged the hardest that we become a new creature, a better creature. I have had all the above in different forms, from family to colleagues, parents, and aunts and uncles to friends and confidants. These people come and go from my life, always challenging me and me better. But there is one who has played every part that I just listed, often on the same day and sometimes the same moment. It was 1990, there was talk of something happening. I had only just made a bunch of new friends. It was more friends than I knew what to do with. For the shy kid, I had been having a bunch of people that not only seemed to like me, but I could relate to as well. All this excited and overwhelmed me. They kept asking if I was going to audition. I didn't know, would I audition? My brother was going to audition that I was sure. I had envied the plays he do

Going from not knowing what you want, to seeing exactly what your heart desires can be jarring. But in the knowing everything changes. Your mind becomes focused, your actions purposeful, and your life sets itself in line with the whatever it is that one aspires. Andy’s world was shocked by the realization that he found what he had been looking for. Only weeks earlier he had been drifting through his new world that had been filled with heartache and a realization that nothing works out the way you think it will. For the last year or more he had tried to find himself and failed because he looked everywhere except inside. But just as he was beginning to understand where his searching would bear fruit, in his own soul, he met Christy. Its not like it was love at first sight, because it wasn’t. Andy had seen Christy around at church and other singles activities and thought that she was way out of his league. He was right.

When your loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Be faithful. Never pretend to be something you’re not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. That's the secret of happiness that we can learn from a good dog.

Going to Sams club is it's own little inclusive experience. There is an anticipation that sometimes take the form of excitement and others dread. There are things to do, eat and see. You can see people of all walks of life. Everyone is trying to save money by spending it. Who would have ever thought to cram thirty pounds of little chocolate cookies next to the car floor mats and crate of eggs in my cart. If shipping in a normal store is a sprint then shopping at Sams is a marathon. They even have little stations along the way to replenish and nourish. It’s a good thing too because I need that cup of peanuts and half of a chicken nugget to keep me going. After it all over they even provide an area to celebrate and feast. Can I get another 1.50 hot dog please?

Neon colors were out, brown was in. Levi jackets were out, flannel was in. Guns and Roses, Ozzy Osborn, and Metallica released albums that some would consider their most commercial. Nirvana, Soundgarden and Pearl Jam, were disrupting the airwaves. And nerds were still not cool. To some nerds, geeks, and dorks are all the same. But there are many levels of gradation between dorks and geeks. One could consider nerds to be the general term, dorks and geeks are more specific. All geeks and dorks are nerds, but all nerds are not necessarily dorks or geeks. There are the geeks which usually represented the technology based nerds. Computer geeks, science geek, electronics geeks or any other specialized group of nerds based on a love of science and/or technology. Dorks were often the hardest to pin down, they usually spoke in their own language that sounded like something out of the Lord of the Rings, or Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. They may obsess about some comic book, or movie, or

It was called simply “The Sand Hills”, not the most imaginative of names. But it might as well have been another planet. To the kids of south Ogden The Sand Hills was, the desserts of Tatooine, the Jungles of Africa and Asia, or the battlefields of Middle Earth. The Sand Hills were the center of the collective imaginations of many childhood friends and enemies. Alan and his three friends Brandon, Scott, and John scurried over the creek and out of the suburbs into the world of imagination. The scrub oak nearest the creek opened up to the lower weed covered hills. As they hiked and saw the larger sand covered area, which gave the vacant undeveloped land their name, they heard a sound. It was a simultaneous cry with surrounding laughter. The cry was unmistakable. It was a dog in distress. The laughter shattered the cry with a vicious cable that could only be multiple voices. The boys ran toward the sound, and crested the little blue to witness a dog in the center of a clearing of scrub oa